EPS. 05 - Tired and Stressed or Truly Burned Out? How to Tell and Why It Matters - Transcript

Episode 05: Tired and Stressed or Truly Burned Out? How to Tell and Why it Matters - Transcript

[00:04] Christi Gmyr: Welcome to Overcaffeinated and Out of Effs, the podcast for burned out, career-minded moms who are ready to stop pretending everything's fine and feel like themselves again.

[00:15] I'm your host, Christi Gmyr, burnout coach for moms, licensed therapist and mom of two. And I'm here to help you reclaim your energy, your identity, and your peace of mind.

[00:25] Whether you're lying awake thinking about the 87 things you didn't get done or silently resenting the people you love most,

[00:32] This is your space to feel seen, supported, and not so alone.

[00:36] So grab your coffee, hot, cold or day old, and let's get into it.

[00:47] Hey, everybody, it's Christi.

[00:49] Welcome to today's episode of Over Caffeinated and out of Effs.

[00:55] In today's episode, I want to talk a little bit about burnout,

[01:00] what it actually is and how it's different from normal stress. You know, obviously as working moms, we're all juggling a million things. We're all super tired.

[01:10] However, what that tiredness actually means,

[01:13] how people are really being affected by it, all of that can vary from person to person,

[01:19] you know, and people,

[01:20] when you listen to them talk in conversations, sharing about work, sharing about home, their everyday lives,

[01:26] a lot of times they use the terms stress and burnout interchangeably.

[01:31] You know, you may have heard people say, or maybe you've even done it yourself, you know, said that you are burned out when really what you or they are experiencing is stress.

[01:43] And the two are different.

[01:46] And the differences matter, which is why I'm. Which is why I'm talking about this today. You know,

[01:52] they matter because stress and burnout stem from different causes.

[01:57] They show up and they affect us each differently.

[02:01] And each one is going to need different kinds of support.

[02:07] So I am going to spend some time talking about both of them. I'm going to focus more on burnout since I know preventing and managing it is why so many of you are here.

[02:16] But I do want to briefly talk about stress first. First again, just so that you could compare and really understand the differences between the two, because I think that is going to be really helpful and important in,

[02:29] you know, helping you figure out exactly what kind of support you need and what's going to be most beneficial to you.

[02:38] So when we talk about stress,

[02:40] you know, everybody gets stressed from time to time.

[02:43] Everybody.

[02:44] It's super common. And there are,

[02:47] there are a lot of things that people can do on their own to manage it, you know, and I'm sure you can all think of examples of times when you were personally stressed.

[02:57] Maybe you're feeling stressed right now.

[02:59] You know, maybe you have a really busy day of work ahead of you. Maybe you have an important deadline.

[03:04] Maybe you woke up today and your kid was really sick. Maybe your car broke down on the way to work.

[03:11] Maybe you're trying to plan your child's birthday party for this weekend.

[03:14] You know, you could probably come up with a million and one examples of times that you were stressed.

[03:21] And I do want to briefly mention that stress does not only happen in negative situations. There are a lot of things that people experience in their lives that are seen as positive, exciting things, but, but they're still stressful.

[03:34] So things like weddings, graduations, buying a first home, you know, any of those kinds of things.

[03:41] So whether we're talking about positive experiences, negative experiences, or somewhere in between,

[03:48] stress itself is not inherently bad when we experience it in small amounts. As long as it doesn't get out of control or become too much.

[03:58] Stress can actually help people to stay focused, you know,

[04:02] maybe in some cases even overly focused on their tasks and their responsibilities.

[04:07] So it can help them get things done.

[04:09] It can help people be more productive and motivated. It can push us to finish tasks or meet certain goals or deadlines.

[04:17] So I just wanted to take a quick second to challenge any myths or misconceptions that stress is a bad thing. Because even though it's not the most pleasant thing to experience, maybe it's not the most comfortable thing to experience.

[04:32] As long as we are experiencing it in ways that are small and, you know, relatively manageable,

[04:39] it's not necessarily bad.

[04:42] So with all of that in mind, what is stress?

[04:46] Stress is your body's natural response to a perceived demand,

[04:52] pressure or, or threat.

[04:55] It can be physiological,

[04:56] so felt in your body and, or psychological.

[05:01] So in your mind,

[05:03] you know, it's your nervous system responding to and coping with some sort of a challenge.

[05:09] A lot of times, although not always, it's performance based and it's often tied to doing too much in too little time.

[05:18] So a lot of times these demands feel, feel urgent. And so you might have this energy, like you have to go, go, go, go, go.

[05:26] These demands might feel overwhelming or like they're outside of your control.

[05:30] And then as a result, you might have racing thoughts.

[05:35] Stress does not always feel the greatest, you know, because our nervous systems are basically going into fight or flight, which can,

[05:42] you know, unfortunately sometimes cause physical symptoms. You know, a lot of times when people are stressed, they might have headaches, they might have muscle tension,

[05:49] fatigue, digestive issues,

[05:51] you know, as I'm sure, you know, none of those things,

[05:54] none of those things feel very good or very pleasant.

[05:58] You know, people might also have strong emotional responses to things when they're stressed.

[06:03] So maybe they're going to feel more anxious, maybe they're going to be more irritable or frustrated, you know, like any of those kinds of things.

[06:11] One important thing about stress that's, you know,

[06:15] that I just sort of want to mention too is that it tends to be short term.

[06:20] This is really important.

[06:22] This is one of the really important key differences between stress and burnout. So stress is temporary and it usually changes or goes away or gets less when our circumstances change.

[06:35] So usually once a stress or itself eases or again goes away,

[06:39] the stress itself. So the response on the body,

[06:43] that eases or goes away too.

[06:46] And then to go along with that. Another important thing that I want to mention is that burnout, you know,

[06:57] other, you know, one of the things that's very different than burnout is that when people are stressed, they tend to have more of a hopeful mindset. So a person who is stressed might say things to themselves like if I can just get through today or if I can just get through this week,

[07:14] or if I can just get through this project,

[07:17] you know, something like that. It's hopeful. It's the idea that if we could just get through whatever the thing is that we're stressed about,

[07:24] things will get better, relief will come.

[07:27] That's a very different mindset than a person would have who's burned out.

[07:32] And I'm going to talk about that more in a few minutes. But it's just,

[07:36] it's important to know that it is temporary. There is this hopeful mindset and this belief that, you know, relief is coming.

[07:44] People typically look for quick, short term things to,

[07:48] that they can do to manage their stress. You know, especially if they're looking just for some sort of immediate relief. And there are lots of different ways that they can do this.

[07:56] So some of those ways might be healthier things like going for walks,

[08:01] you know, taking breaks, doing some sort of stretching, doing some breathing exercises, taking a nap, taking some quiet time for yourself. You know, there are lots and lots of different things that people can do to help with their stress.

[08:15] And then, you know, you're also going to have people doing things that maybe are less healthy, like drinking alcohol or overeating.

[08:23] And we usually feel better from stress, you know, when we've had some sort of temporary relief because again,

[08:30] as I mentioned, the stressors that the stressor itself is typically temporary.

[08:36] So When I think about, you know, thinking about this as I was, you know, preparing for this episode, I was trying to think about,

[08:42] you know,

[08:43] things that have been really stressful for me, you know, and one of the things that came to mind for me was a time just earlier this summer. You know, as we all know, summers can get, they can get pretty crazy.

[08:54] You know, schedules and routines are typically pretty different than during the rest of the year,

[09:00] you know, and for me personally, my daughter's schedule is different every single week. During the summer she does lots of different camps. Some I have to drive her to, some she takes the bus.

[09:11] When she takes the bus, I still have to bring her to the bus stop.

[09:14] And with that particular camp, I obviously have to be,

[09:19] you know,

[09:20] you know, aware of the time. That's not going to be a flexible thing because the bus will leave without her.

[09:26] You know, other camps that we have are signed up for,

[09:29] we might do early drop off, early pickup. And so with those kinds of things, the timing for that is, that's going to be more flexible. You know, she, she actually just did a, her very first week of overnight camp last week.

[09:43] You know, she's also, the summer, had a dance competition out of town at the beginning

of summer. And then when she got back, she started her summer dance schedule, which is completely different schedule than during the regular dance season.

[09:56] Plus she has a few mandatory intensive classes to learn choreography, some production rehearsals for a fun team building thing that they're doing, you know, at the studio. She's at the beginning of summer finishing up spring softball, which went late because of all the rain we had.

[10:10] And then in a.

[10:12] A few weeks she's going to be starting fall ball, you know, and so I'm just. It gets really crazy,

[10:17] you know, and then that doesn't even include my son who also goes to summer camp. And then of course my husband and I have our own work schedules,

[10:24] you know, and because my schedule is more flexible, I typically do all the drop offs and pickups and running around.

[10:29] So anyways,

[10:31] there was this one particular day when my daughter had a. She had a dance intensive in the morning on the same day that she and my son were going to camp.

[10:39] So I knew I was going to have to drop him off, then come home, get her, bring her to dance intensive,

[10:46] then quickly come home to do a session with a client, then go right back to pick her up and drop her off at camp in time for my next session.

[10:52] Then after I was done working for the day,

[10:55] which by the way, I had a full day of client schedule.

[10:58] I had to go pick them both up, bring them home, you know, for 10 minutes where they could change, eat a snack, get out the door before I could, then bring her to her evening classes,

[11:08] you know, and it was already going to be a very busy day with very little time in between each thing,

[11:15] between all the things that I had to do.

[11:17] So I really had to be on top of everything and couldn't be running behind at all. And then on top of that, I ended up getting a text from my son's camp counselor telling me that he had a rash.

[11:28] So in the middle of my already super crazy day, you know, I had to schedule him an appointment to see a doctor and then rush over to the pharmacy, pick up a prescription, which I squeezed in between my last client.

[11:39] And then I had to,

[11:41] you know, hurry back to pick up my daughter from camp.

[11:43] So, as you can imagine, it was a very busy, stressful day. And even that whole thing, you know, I was talking about it kind of quickly, but you can probably just imagine a day like that for yourselves.

[11:53] I'm sure we've all had those kinds of days where it's just like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, Going from one thing to the next. Go, go, go, go, go.

[12:02] Now,

[12:02] this is not what every day looks like, but it does seem to happen more like this in the summer.

[12:08] So in the. On that particular day in the morning, my mindset was, I just have to get through today,

[12:14] you know, And a lot of times, I start summer, you know, knowing that there will be a lot of days like this and think things like, it's just for a few months, and then they'll be back in school or summer dance will only be for five weeks, and then things will settle a bit.

[12:28] So this is what stress looks like.

[12:31] It feels overwhelming.

[12:33] As I mentioned, it's go, go, go.

[12:35] But it's also temporary, and I know there's relief at the end of it.

[12:40] So this example that I just described,

[12:44] that is stress. It is not burnout, right? Burnout is going to be different,

[12:50] you know, so burnout is deeper than stress. You know, burnout builds over time,

[12:56] especially if you've been constantly pushing yourself physically, mentally, or emotionally for a period of time without taking proper steps to take care of yourself.

[13:07] It could be over weeks, months, or even years in some cases,

[13:11] you know, and it can happen when severe chronic stress doesn't get resolved, which then results in a state of, you know, this physical, mental, or emotional exhaustion,

[13:24] and your body goes into survival mode.

[13:28] So a lot of times, people who Suffer from burnout. They feel like the demand will never stop and they think that there's no way out.

[13:36] So unlike stress, it can cause people to be overly focused or engaged. Like I mentioned a minute ago,

[13:43] when people are burned out, they're more likely to feel a sense of apathy or disconnection from their families, their work,

[13:49] or their other responsibilities.

[13:52] You know, stress can cause people to have strong emotional responses,

[13:57] but burnout can actually do the opposite and cause people to experience emotional numbness.

[14:03] You know, a lot of times people feel a sense of hopelessness or cynicism or overall lack of fulfillment.

[14:12] So a couple minutes ago when I was talking about how, you know, stress can have this sense of hopefulness, like relief is coming when people are burned out.

[14:21] There can be this belief that nothing I do is ever enough and there's just no end in sight.

[14:28] So it's a very different mindset between the two.

[14:33] I mentioned earlier that stress can cause people to feel tired or fatigued temporarily.

[14:39] You know, maybe in those cases, a nap is really going to help them.

[14:43] Burnout, on the other hand, can cause this sense of persistent over exhaustion that doesn't just seem to go away or get better with rest.

[14:54] So whereas where stress can motivate us, burnout can cause people to be less efficient and motivated,

[15:03] even with responsibilities they used to enjoy.

[15:06] So as you can imagine, overcoming burnout is more complicated than managing stress.

[15:13] So as I mentioned, you know, and as I'm sure you can see, there are some really key differences between the two.

[15:22] Now,

[15:24] all the things that I was just describing,

[15:26] you know, these are some common signs and symptoms, you know, to be aware of.

[15:30] They can be on the lookout for, you know, just to kind of give you an idea,

[15:34] you know. But as you can probably imagine,

[15:37] stress and burnout are not going to look exactly the same with everybody in every situation,

[15:42] people are going to have slightly different experiences,

[15:45] you know, and so, and this is still kind of a general thing I'm about to say, because obviously,

[15:50] you know, all moms are going to have, you know, slightly different experiences too. But in a general sense, you know, for moms in particular,

[15:59] what might this look like?

[16:01] Well,

[16:02] to the outside observer, it's very possible nothing will look different. And then here I'm, in case I wasn't clear here, I'm talking about,

[16:10] you know, what my burnout look like. Okay? So from the outside observer, it's very possible that nothing is going to look different.

[16:17] You know, you might still be doing all the things,

[16:20] you know, maybe you're still showing up at work, managing everything at home, packing lunches, scheduling appointments, getting your kids to their activities, helping them with their homework. Again, doing all the things.

[16:32] And this is actually one of the reasons people often miss the signs of burnout is because especially for high functioning people,

[16:41] a lot of times they are still doing all the things.

[16:44] And the thing is,

[16:46] our culture normalizes it. Our culture normalizes moms being constantly overwhelmed and saying things like,

[16:54] well, this is just part of motherhood.

[16:57] You know, moms are often praised for all the sacrifices they make.

[17:01] So burnout can be really easy to miss because of what we see or show on the outside.

[17:08] On the inside though,

[17:10] you might feel like you're barely hanging on.

[17:14] I mentioned before that you might feel a sense of an emotional numbness.

[17:19] You know, maybe you're super irritable or not very patient, or constantly snapping at yourselves or kids even when you don't want to be. You know, maybe you are feeling resentful toward your boss, toward your spouse.

[17:31] Maybe you're feeling resentful because you're not getting enough help, or maybe because people aren't really seeing or recognizing how much you're doing.

[17:38] Maybe you're having a hard time focusing or making decisions, or maybe you're forgetting things,

[17:43] maybe you're not feeling as motivated as it used to be, or maybe you don't enjoy doing things that you did used to enjoy and maybe you just don't recognize yourself anymore.

[17:54] Maybe you've lost your sense of identity and when you do finally get a chance to do something for yourself,

[18:02] it doesn't really help you to feel much better.

[18:05] The thing about burnout is that a lot of times people will try to manage it by using some of the same strategies that they use to manage their regular stress.

[18:16] But as I mentioned earlier, these two things are different. And so a person who is burned out is going to need different kinds of strategies and support.

[18:26] Now, don't get me wrong, doing regular stress management and self care exercises are really important.

[18:32] I always encourage people to try and make time for those,

[18:36] which I get a lot of times is easier said than done.

[18:40] The problem is when people who are burned out only do those kinds of things without addressing the deeper problem that led to the burnout in the first place.

[18:51] It's like covering up cracks without fixing the foundation.

[18:55] So really what needs to happen is that you need to take a closer look at what's causing the burnout,

[19:02] what's what's really draining you,

[19:05] and then try to see what kinds of systemic changes you can make bigger adjustments or changes to the way you live your life.

[19:13] So what I mean by that is how do you actually address

the root cause of the problem?

[19:19] It's going to mean looking at things like how you approach your time, how you use your boundaries, how do you address your relationships, how you define your success and worth,

[19:30] processing feelings of guilt and resentment,

[19:33] using strategies to regulate your nervous system,

[19:36] leaning on your support system,

[19:38] or maybe building a support system,

[19:41] doing work to rebuild your identity beyond your roles of mom, wife and employee.

[19:47] And I don't mean find yourself again for who you used to be, but figuring out who you are now,

[19:56] all of those kinds of things in addition to traditional self care or stress management strategies.

[20:03] So I know this all sounds like a lot,

[20:06] and I'm certainly not saying any of these things to scare you or to stress you out even more or anything like that,

[20:15] because these are just, again, it's just important to really sort of recognize the differences so that you can start to think about these things so we can start to think about,

[20:24] you know, where the actual problems lie and what,

[20:27] what things are going to help you come out of it.

[20:31] And I also want you to remember that there's support to help you, you know, you don't have to do these things on your own.

[20:38] Friends,

[20:39] family,

[20:40] community, resources,

[20:42] you know, and that's one of the purposes of this podcast, is to offer you another way of getting support.

[20:49] And then of course, I have my coaching to support you all too. You know, any of these things that you're having a hard time with, you know, any of those things that I mentioned, all of those things,

[20:58] there is support available. So I just, I really want to emphasize the fact that you are not alone in this.

[21:05] The other thing that I really want to emphasize is that if you keep treating, treating burnout like it's just like regular stress,

[21:13] trying to push through it,

[21:15] telling yourself it's just a busy season,

[21:18] you can actually make it worse.

[21:20] And so it's really, really important to understand the distinctions again between these two, because burnout can sneak up on us when we're not expecting it. You know, we don't even always see it coming.

[21:33] Now if you are not at that point, if after listening to all these things that I'm talking about today, you're realizing, like, you know what,

[21:41] maybe I'm not actually burned out. Maybe, maybe I'm feeling stressed right now,

[21:45] that's great,

[21:46] you know, and in that case doesn't mean that we just want to walk away and not pay attention to it, but maybe it's going to be important to take steps towards,

[21:56] you know, preventing it, you know, because we don't want you to get to that point if you are already to that point. If you are burned out. It's going to be really important to address that, not only so that it doesn't get worse, but because you deserve more than that.

[22:11] You deserve a life that feels good and happy and exciting and fulfilling.

[22:19] You do. You deserve that.

[22:22] So if any of the things that I talked about today,

[22:26] any of this resonates or if you found, you know, any of the things that I talked about today to be helpful or valuable,

[22:32] please share this podcast with any other moms you know that could maybe use some additional support too. You know, maybe as you're listening to this you have somebody in mind that you're thinking about right now.

[22:42] You know, there's so many moms who are struggling out there and they all deserve to be supported because, you know, we are all in this together.