EPS. 11 "The Sandwich Generation": The Struggle of Working Moms Caring for Kids and Aging Parents - Transcript
Episode 11: “The Sandwich Generation”: The Struggle of Working Moms Caring for Kids and Aging Parents - Transcript
[00:04] Christi Gmyr: Welcome to Overcaffeinated and Out of Effs, the podcast for burned out, career-minded moms who are ready to stop pretending everything's fine and feel like themselves again.
[00:15] I'm your host, Christi Gmyr, burnout coach for moms, licensed therapist and mom of two. And I'm here to help you reclaim your energy, your identity, and your peace of mind.
[00:25] Whether you're lying awake thinking about the 87 things you didn't get done or silently resenting the people you love most,
[00:32] This is your space to feel seen, supported, and not so alone.
[00:36] So grab your coffee, hot, cold or day old, and let's get into it.
[00:47] Hey everybody, it's Christi.
[00:50] Welcome to Overcaffeinated and Out of Effs.
[00:53] In today's episode, I'd like to welcome our guest, Lindsay Kratzer.
[00:58] Lindsay is the owner and founder of Reflections Management and Care, where she empowers seniors and their families across Central New York.
[01:07] With over 20 years of experience in aging services,
[01:10] Lindsay helps older adults maintain independence while supporting families through the complex journey of aging.
[01:17] She holds a BS and Ms. In Psychology with a specialization Counseling along with a certificate in Gerontology.
[01:26] Lindsay is a Certified Dementia Practitioner, Certified Montessori Dementia Care Professional, and Certified Dementia Support Group Facilitator credentials that reflect her deep commitment to compassionate evidence based dementia care.
[01:42] Beyond her practice, Lindsey serves as a unit leader and board member for the Aging Life Care association and founded the Central New York chapter of the Case Management Society of America.
[01:54] She also launched the Reflections Memory Cafe, creating meaningful, inclusive spaces for those living with memory loss and their caregivers.
[02:03] Lindsay lives in Baldwinsville, New York with her husband and two sons, drawn daily inspiration from her family and her roots in caregiving.
[02:12] So we talk a lot about the many roles that working moms juggle, but we typically focus. You know, you really hear us talk a lot about the roles at work and then at home as a parent and spouse.
[02:23] And one of the roles that so many people and moms are also juggling that maybe we don't talk about quite as much is the role of caretaker of our elderly parents in addition to all these other things.
[02:36] So I've invited Lindsay here today to talk a bit about how to manage some of those challenges. And I'm hoping that she will share her story and the very real challenges of balancing family life, running a business and staying grounded in her purpose.
[02:53] So Lindsay, thank you so much for being here today.
[02:57] Lindsay Kratzer: Yes, thank you. Christi.
[02:59] Christi Gmyr: Can you maybe start off by telling us just a little bit about your story and what inspired you to build a business supporting aging adults and their families?
[03:08] Lindsay Kratzer: Absolutely. You know, my passion for this work, I.
[03:12] You know, hindsight. I feel it started with my own grandparents.
[03:16] Um, I had such a close relationship with them, and I saw firsthand on how aging can affect not just the person, but the entire family.
[03:27] Um, I went on to study psychology and gerontology, like you had mentioned. And over the past 20 years, I've worked in multiple roles,
[03:36] from executor, executive director.
[03:40] You know, everything had to have been within the.
[03:44] The aging population, the aging field.
[03:48] We did dementia care, care management,
[03:50] and then to nonprofit leadership. But starting Reflections in general,
[03:56] it just felt like the natural step for me,
[03:59] and it's my way of bringing together my experience and creating a resource that truly empowers not only seniors, but supports families through all of these challenges and these stages that come with aging.
[04:14] Christi Gmyr: Yeah, that's amazing. I mean, it really. I have to say, your bio is so impressive. It really sounds like you have done a lot. It sounds like you are very passionate about the work that you do,
[04:24] and I just. I have a feeling that this. You're just gonna have so much to share. So I'm so excited about all of this.
[04:30] So what would you say, like, what does a typical day look like for you as a mom, as a business owner, and also a caregiver advocate?
[04:39] Lindsay Kratzer: Oh, goodness. Very busy.
[04:41] Christi Gmyr: Busy.
[04:42] Lindsay Kratzer: I. You know, I think that just sums it up, but, you know, it's busy in the best way.
[04:47] You know, I think it's very important for me,
[04:50] especially to start my mornings with my children.
[04:54] You know, it's important for me to be present with them before the day takes off, and then once they take off. My working day usually includes a mix.
[05:05] Supporting my team, connecting with families, doing community outreach,
[05:10] putting out fires.
[05:12] You know, it's a little bit of everything in supporting, you know, the community.
[05:18] By evening, it's back to being mom running, to extracurricular activities,
[05:25] making dinner, catching up with my children, my husband.
[05:30] I'm constantly balancing.
[05:32] It's not black and white.
[05:33] Um, there's so much gray in between.
[05:35] But I think, most importantly, I try to keep my priorities clear.
[05:40] Um, my family is first, and,
[05:42] you know, the work,
[05:45] then the work that follows me.
[05:48] It allows me to help other families when. When my priorities are clear.
[05:53] Christi Gmyr: Yeah, yeah, no, I can imagine. And just listening to you talk, I. I think that this is something that,
[05:58] you know, regardless of the field that people are in, it's something that's certainly so many moms are struggling with is how do we. How do we do it all? Like, how do we prioritize our work, prioritize our families?
[06:10] You know, keep everything going, keep our households functioning, all of that.
[06:14] And I imagine for a lot of people, it is. It can get very overwhelming.
[06:20] And especially because, you know, we do. We prioritize our families. We want to put them first, but work can sometimes make that challenging and whatnot. And so I'm curious, like, how do you stay grounded in your own purpose when things do start to feel overwhelming?
[06:35] Lindsay Kratzer: You know,
[06:37] I would be lying if I said every day was overwhelming,
[06:42] because so many things are thrown at you. But I think for me,
[06:46] I go back to my why.
[06:49] I remind myself that the work that I do makes a real difference, and it's not just for clients,
[06:58] but for their children, their caregivers, their grandchildren.
[07:02] Um, and I also lean on my own family, my team.
[07:06] Um,
[07:08] sometimes you just have to take a step back. Um,
[07:11] whether it's a deep breath,
[07:13] a quick walk.
[07:15] I find that it helps me reset so I can show up the way I need to show up.
[07:21] Christi Gmyr: Yeah. No, and I really like how you were talking about, you know, focusing on your why. I think that that's something that's really important for it, because we do. Everybody sort of finds themselves in these situations where maybe they kind of.
[07:32] They're feeling really overwhelmed, and maybe they do kind of forget briefly, like, why they're doing certain things right and why something feels really important and why they're passionate. And so by,
[07:42] you know, revisiting that and thinking about that, I agree. I think that that can be a great way to. To sort of keep, you know, keep it going, to manage.
[07:50] To manage those stressful feelings.
[07:52] Now, one of the things I did want to ask you about, so, as you know,
[07:56] the moms who are listening are working moms. A lot of them are either struggling with burnout or they are,
[08:03] you know, worried that they're getting to that point because of all the roles that they are juggling. And we, as I mentioned before, we really spend a lot of time focusing specifically on the roles of parent and then also a woman who's working like a career woman.
[08:18] Lindsay Kratzer: Yeah.
[08:19] Christi Gmyr: And a lot of times we don't talk as much about this other role,
[08:24] which has to do with caring for our aging parents. You know, depending on,
[08:31] you know, how old we are and how old our parents are.
[08:34] And for those who are listening, you know, I know it's often. It's often referred to as the sandwich generation. You know, not only caring for their own kids, but also Again, caring for their aging parents.
[08:44] And so I'm curious, like, what, what would you say are some of the biggest, like, emotional or like, logistical challenges that you see these particular women dealing with?
[08:56] Lindsay Kratzer: Oh, goodness.
[08:57] There's so many emotions that go around all of this. And we're seeing more and more of this sandwich generation,
[09:04] especially within 20 plus years.
[09:06] We're just again, seeing it more and more. But out of everything,
[09:11] the word that I hear the most often is guilt.
[09:18] They might not specifically say the word guilt, but you can definitely see within the emotions,
[09:24] um, moms feel like they're failing everyone,
[09:27] uh, their kids, their, their own parents, their job, their spouse. Just,
[09:33] there's just not enough time in the day to juggle everything that is thrown at you on top of your day to day responsibilities.
[09:44] Um, the logistics can be very overwhelming. Between doctor's appointments, maybe medications, transportation, financial decisions, health decisions,
[09:56] and then you throw in the call from the school nurse or,
[09:59] you know,
something else that goes on. You know,
[10:02] really, it can feel like you're managing two full households on top of your own life.
[10:10] So it's, it's really guilt.
[10:12] Moms are very, very hard on themselves.
[10:17] You know, they're.
[10:19] I think social media plays a big role within this image that all of us superheroes have to, have to be and do.
[10:27] But that's not the reality. You've got to do this for yourself and it's okay, it's. It's okay to ask for help.
[10:35] Christi Gmyr: You know, it's interesting that you use the word superheroes because I feel like that's a term that we hear used a lot to refer to these moms. And,
[10:44] and I think, you know, I, I think that moms are superheroes, but I also think that a lot of moms really have a hard time with that term, you know, and really identifying with it.
[10:53] Because to your point, there is so much. And a lot of times, you know, they do feel like maybe they're having a hard time and if they're not, you know, and maybe they're not believing that they're being as successful in one area as they would like to be.
[11:07] And so that could be a term that sometimes they have a harder time with.
[11:12] So obviously, you know, these moms are dealing with a lot. They're juggling a lot. And so when we talk about the impact on them, you know, you're talking about guilt.
[11:22] I imagine, you know, there's a lot of stress and overwhelm and potentially burnout.
[11:28] What would you say are some of the early warning signs of caregiver burnout, maybe in particular, ones that we don't see that aren't as obvious, the ones that go unnoticed?
[11:41] Lindsay Kratzer: You know, I,
[11:43] I think the first thing that comes to my mind is irritability.
[11:48] You know, it's so natural with us trying to juggle so many things, but,
[11:52] you know, snapping at loved ones or you're easily frustrated.
[11:58] I think another big one is neglecting your own health.
[12:03] That could be, you know,
[12:05] not getting enough sleep,
[12:07] not eating, you know,
[12:08] proper meals, or letting your own appointments slide, whatever that looks like.
[12:15] Sometimes caregivers don't realize how isolated they've become until, you know, someone points that out.
[12:23] And those are small red flags that can quickly snowball if they are ignored.
[12:30] Christi Gmyr: Yeah, no, absolutely. And I'm curious, do you ever find, do you ever notice any of those things for yourself? Like, do you ever find yourself in periods where you are really on the brink or, you know, struggling with burnout?
[12:40] And if so, I'm curious if it's showing up for you those same ways. And then how do you, how do you get. Help yourself get through that?
[12:48] Lindsay Kratzer: You know,
[12:50] again, I'd be lying if I said I didn't get. Get irritable and frustrated at times.
[12:55] It seems that everything comes on at once.
[12:58] Um,
[12:59] so for me, it shows up when I start losing my patience, not only with myself,
[13:06] but my family,
[13:09] or it could even be my team. For, again, for. For no absolute reason.
[13:15] It's usually my signal that I need to pause and I need to give myself permission to step back, which is. Which is hard.
[13:25] Maybe it's just again, taking that deep breath, taking that walk.
[13:30] Or maybe it's just rescheduling my day so I can be more present and think clear.
[13:39] Ask again, asking for help, whether it's asking my team to carry out a task just to provide myself some relief, even asking,
[13:51] asking my family, asking my husband, hey, you know, can you make dinner tonight?
[13:55] I. I've got some things that I need to take care of.
[13:59] But sometimes it's just saying no,
[14:03] which, which again, for all of us moms is very challenging. We try to take everything on being those, those superheroes.
[14:11] But I've learned that if I don't take care of myself,
[14:15] I can't take care of anyone else.
[14:19] And that, that's just not client related. That, that is my team and my family.
[14:24] And that mindset, as challenging as it can be, because again, saying no, there's so much guilt that comes with that.
[14:32] But you start to learn really what your boundaries are and you shift your mindset that has been huge for me.
[14:41] Christi Gmyr: Yeah, no, I hear what you're saying. And I also think that,
[14:44] you know, to your point, like, a lot of moms have a hard time,
[14:49] you know, setting boundaries, saying no, you know,
[14:52] giving themselves permission to pause and take a break, you know, and.
[14:57] And a lot of times feelings of guilt come up with that. You know, a lot of times that's associated with that. But I think one of the things that's really important for a lot of moms to remember and to keep in mind is that not only is it okay to.
[15:12] To do all those things for yourself, you know, you're allowed to, like, your needs are important too, but.
[15:17] But also it's beneficial to everybody else. It's not. It's not a selfish thing to, you know, to set a boundary. It's not a selfish thing to take time aside for ourselves, you know, to really take care of ourselves.
[15:28] Because when we take care of ourselves, then it spills over into other areas of our lives, and we're really able to sort of then be the best version of ourselves as parents, as caregivers, as,
[15:40] you know, employees or whatever it might be. So I think you make a, like, a really good point.
[15:46] Lindsay Kratzer: Yeah.
[15:48] Christi Gmyr: So,
[15:49] okay, so in terms of dementia and memory loss, you know,
[15:54] so these are things that unfortunately, so many people see with their loved ones,
[16:02] and I imagine that that can be very stressful, very concerning, very emotionally heavy.
[16:09] So just to help us better understand,
[16:11] like, what are some of the common misconceptions or stigmas that you wish more people understood about, about these things?
[16:21] Lindsay Kratzer: You know, the biggest one for, for me, is that people,
[16:28] people living with dementia,
[16:30] people think that they cannot have a quality of life, and it's. It's simply not true.
[16:36] Um,
[16:37] and it's not only for that person that has dementia or memory loss. It's for the families as well. And, you know, they may experience changes in how they communicate or what they can do day to day,
[16:51] but they still have moments of joy,
[16:56] connection, meaning.
[16:58] Another misconception is that memory loss is just a normal part of aging.
[17:03] It isn't.
[17:04] You know, dementia is a disease process,
[17:07] and getting an early diagnosis really matters,
[17:12] but it really.
[17:14] It's stressful. Yes, but you just have to shift and pivot your. Your thinking,
[17:20] and it. It just.
[17:24] You can still have that quality of life.
[17:27] Christi Gmyr: Well, and I'm curious, you know, now that you're talking about how,
[17:30] you know, not everybody is necessarily going to have dementia or memory loss. I'm curious, like, are there ways that family members can help support their Aging parents to prevent those things from happening.
[17:46] Lindsay Kratzer: You know,
[17:47] it's just starting with curiosity. And empathy is so very important.
[17:54] For example, instead of saying you, you need help,
[17:58] try asking,
[17:59] ask how are you feeling about managing things at home or,
[18:04] you know, other aspects or what worries you the most right now?
[18:09] Sometimes when you reframe that question, it helps in terms of what matters to them.
[18:16] You're almost putting them in control.
[18:18] Right?
[18:20] Let's face it, who, who wants to listen to their children tell them what to do? But if you have more of an open conversation on, on how your,
[18:28] your loved one is feeling,
[18:32] it, it seems to go a little bit better.
[18:36] You know,
[18:38] sometimes it helps frame in terms of what matters to them. So the independence, the safety, the dignity,
[18:44] and then show how the support can actually protect those values.
[18:50] And don't. This is the biggest thing. Don't try to have a big conversation in, in one sit down.
[18:58] Sometimes it takes more. And I always tell folks, less is more, less is more. Right now, just start to get into that conversation.
[19:09] Sitting down for an hour talking to your, your loved one can pose a challenge for your loved one too. It might be a little uncomfortable. So slow and steady.
[19:21] Christi Gmyr: Yeah, yeah, no, that makes sense. I imagine those conversations are probably not the easiest to have, but I imagine they are very important,
[19:30] you know, so that's really helpful. I appreciate, you know, you sharing those, those strategies and those ideas.
[19:36] So what kinds of like support systems or for, or services are available for people who are trying to navigate care for an aging parent?
[19:46] Lindsay Kratzer: You know,
[19:48] there are so many,
[19:49] and it really depends on what is needed.
[19:53] Care management, like what we do here at Reflections,
[19:57] can help families coordinate everything.
[20:00] Home care providers in home support,
[20:02] adult day programs, senior centers,
[20:05] support groups that can help with social connection.
[20:10] That's just a small bit of what might be helpful.
[20:13] And then of course, you know, there's hospice, palliative care for later stages.
[20:18] The key is knowing you don't have to figure out everything alone. And there's professionals who can guide you.
[20:27] Christi Gmyr: Okay, great. Now, as you were answering that question, like, one of the things that you referenced was Reflections, Memory Cafe and some of the services they offer. But do you mind just telling us a little bit more about,
[20:38]
about that?
[20:40] Lindsay Kratzer: You know, the Memory Cafe is probably one of the most favorite things that we have created. It's not a new concept, but within, you know, the United States, but it's a welcoming space where people with memory changes and their caregivers can come together,
[20:59] share experiences, enjoy time in community.
[21:04] It's not clinical.
[21:05] Um, it's it's about connection.
[21:08] It's about laughter and belonging.
[21:12] Caregivers often tell us that it's the one place that they don't feel alone. They're. They're with folks that are going through similar situations, and they provide support for each other.
[21:23] Christi Gmyr: That's amazing. Yeah. And I think, like, regardless of what kinds of challenges we're dealing with, you know, moms are dealing with, or really anybody just having that information and awareness of, like, what supports are available can be really, really helpful.
[21:37] I mean, it sounds like you've been working out, like, again, just doing this amazing work to help these people. So that's awesome.
[21:43] Lindsay Kratzer: Yeah.
[21:44] Christi Gmyr: So how would you say, you know, your work has changed the way that, you know, you personally think about motherhood,
[21:51] aging, any of those, like, in a really, like, in a big picture sense?
[21:56] Lindsay Kratzer: You know, it's.
[21:58] It's made me more intentional.
[22:01] I've seen firsthand how quickly life can change,
[22:06] and it's taught me to value presence over perfection.
[22:12] With motherhood,
[22:15] I try to focus on making memories again, being present for my children,
[22:20] not just managing tasks, because that's what we're doing all day. We're making sure we're at this appointment, that appointment.
[22:26] Oh, we've got school pictures. Oh, you know, now. Now I have to see a client or something's going on with a client. But, you know, with aging,
[22:35] I've realized it's about planning,
[22:38] but also embracing, you know, each stage with just gratitude and dignity. For sure.
[22:45] Christi Gmyr: Yeah. No, absolutely. Yeah, that. That makes a lot of sense.
[22:49] So I feel like we could just go on.
[22:53] We were talking about this a little bit before. We could probably have this conversation for all day long, but I know everybody's busy. I know you gotta get on with your day and whatnot.
[23:01] So I'm curious, like, where. For the people who are listening, like, where can they learn more about you and your work?
[23:07] Lindsay Kratzer: Yeah. So with Reflections Management and Care, you can go right to our website at www.reflectionscny.com There is an option for the Memory Cafe that you can click on the Memory Cafe as well and learn more about that.
[23:24] You can also follow us on Facebook,
[23:27] Instagram,
[23:29] and then you can also give us a call at our main line to see if the services we provide is something for you.
[23:37] The Phone number is 315-497-7200.
[23:43] Christi Gmyr: Okay, great. And out of curiosity, is that local? Is that. How far did those services switch?
[23:51] Lindsay Kratzer: Yeah, great question. So we're. Even though our office is located in Baldwinsville,
[23:57] we service a 60 to 75 mile radius from Syracuse, so we can cover a large territory and get into other counties as well.
[24:05] Christi Gmyr: Okay, great. That. That's really helpful. That's good to know.
[24:08] So what would you say?
[24:10] What's one final piece of advice or what's one thing that you would like to say to any moms who are listening right now who are, you know, navigating this chapter of caring for both kids and their aging parents?
[24:23] Lindsay Kratzer: Give yourself grace.
[24:26] You cannot do it all perfectly. And. And it's. It's okay.
[24:32] Ask for help, take breaks,
[24:35] you know, and remember that by caring for yourself, you're actually caring for your family as well.
[24:43] You're not failing.
[24:44] You're doing one of the hardest,
[24:47] most important jobs there is out there.
[24:50] Christi Gmyr: Yeah, no, absolutely. I really love that, you know, by caring for yourself, you're caring for your family as well. Right. I think that that's something, again, that so many people really need to try to remember, because I think it can help with that.
[25:02] That guilt that they might be feeling, you know, when they do. When they do do take the time to take care of themselves.
[25:08] So this is, like. This has really been wonderful. You know, I think that this has just been great. I can tell, again, that you just have so much. So much information, so much knowledge, so much passion.
[25:19] So I just really want to say thank you again so much for being here.
[25:23] And then, as always, for the moms who are listening, you know, if any of these things that we've been talking about today, if any of it resonates, or if you found these things to be valuable, helpful, you know, I ask you to encourage you to please share this podcast with other moms,
[25:36] you know, who could maybe use some additional support,
[25:39] because again, we're all in this together.
[25:42] Lindsay Kratzer: So thank you so much. Yes. Thank you, Christi.
[25:45] Christi Gmyr: Yeah.
