EPS. 10 Managing Motherhood and a Business in a Military Family: One Woman's Story of Life in the Trenches - Transcript
Episode 10: Managing Motherhood and a Business in a Military Family: One Woman's Story of Life in the Trenches - Transcript
[00:04] Christi Gmyr: Welcome to Overcaffeinated and Out of Effs, the podcast for burned out, career-minded moms who are ready to stop pretending everything's fine and feel like themselves again.
[00:15] I'm your host, Christi Gmyr, burnout coach for moms, licensed therapist and mom of two. And I'm here to help you reclaim your energy, your identity, and your peace of mind.
[00:25] Whether you're lying awake thinking about the 87 things you didn't get done or silently resenting the people you love most,
[00:32] This is your space to feel seen, supported, and not so alone.
[00:36] So grab your coffee, hot, cold or day old, and let's get into it.
[00:47] Hey everybody, it's Christi. Welcome to Overcaffeinated and Out of Effs.
[00:53] In today's episode, I'd like to welcome our guest, Sue Donnellan. Did I, did I say that right?
[00:59] Sue Donnellan: You sure did.
[01:00] Christi Gmyr: So Sue is a military wife. She's a mom of four, including triplets.
[01:06] Entrepreneur, author and reformed yeller turned parenting pioneer.
[01:12] With over 20 years of experience, she has helped countless families worldwide break free from generational cycles of challenging parenting through her leadership driven parenting methods. She is the author of Secrets to Parenting Without Giving an F and the creator of the Fight Free parenting course which teaches her signature Parenting in advance method.
[01:36] Through this approach, parents go beyond simply improving behavior. They also create accountability and develop skills to foster genuine, lasting relationships with their children.
[01:46] Sue's method emphasizes unlearning outdated parenting patterns and building trust through respectful cycle breaking strategies.
[01:56] She believes true parenting success lies in raising children who not only feel valued, but enjoy being around their parents for life.
[02:04] With her no nonsense, compassionate guidance, sue inspires parents to transform their relationships and raise confident, happy kids.
[02:13] So sue has clearly done a lot I have invited here today. You know, we were just talking a minute before we got started here and she was talking about,
[02:24] you know, her,
[02:25] her own experiences, you know, as a mom with a business.
[02:30] But I also invited her today because I was really hoping for her to share her story and experiences as a military wife and the unique challenges that that role has brought to her as a working mom.
[02:43] So thank you, Sue. Thank you so much for being here today.
[02:48] Can you start off us just by telling us a little bit more about yourself and how you got into the work you do now and maybe anything that I didn't just share in the instructing.
[02:58] Sue Donnellan: Yeah, yeah, that's a lot. Wow, I'm getting old when we start stacking up all of that, all of that stuff.
[03:06] So how I got started was just ultimately the big answer. Is that parent coaching and parenting is really my soul's purpose.
[03:16] I am a multi entrepreneur. So I started my own business at 24.
[03:22] Met my husband in college. We were long distance. Anyway, you know, fast forward. I'm an entrepreneur, I'm running my own business and I marry a guy in the military. So he happens to really love kids.
[03:34] I did not, I was not overly enthused about having kids. I wasn't overly, you know, it was okay. I was like, ah, I could take it or leave it. You know, it wasn't family minded as.
[03:44] Christi Gmyr: Much as my husband.
[03:44] Sue Donnellan: He wanted not just one or two. He was like, I want a big family. So,
[03:48] um, anyway, after some time with him doing training, he flew fighter jets and me starting my business, we decided to try for our family and we had our first child and that was really a challenge.
[04:01] Like your first one is such a, such a shift, right? Because like, oh, you're ready to leave, leave and go out the door and you're like, oh, whoops, forgot the kid.
[04:10] So the first one was quite a shift. But then we decided, okay, let's have our second baby. And I ended up with natural triplets.
[04:17] So what happened there was that two eggs dropped in one split. So we have identical boys and a girl and our older son. So I went from one to four kids overnight.
[04:29] Um,
[04:30] so in addition to running the business and you know,
[04:34] being very quickly in, in a big way, in the family way, I had a lot to learn. And you know, you mentioned that I'm a reformed yeller. So it was,
[04:44] you know, like you, like your audience is used to being a burned out parent. I was overwhelmed. I was burned out. I was, I was just trying to juggle everything and I just found myself yelling a lot.
[04:55] And you know, I know we'll talk about a lot of this here in the, in the upcoming segment, but that's, this is pretty much how I got started in this business where I had to go and learn how to stop yelling.
[05:06] I had to learn how to motivate these little people and look at them as individuals. Because not having had a lot of experience as a mom or with siblings or, you know, I have an older brother, but I never babysat for money.
[05:18] I just was not aware that if you just ask a kid to do it, they don't just, you know, it's not, it's not at all like dealing with an adult.
[05:26] So I had a ton to learn. I was just thrown into the deep end. And in my effort to become a better parent and to understand that My behavior was not getting the results I wanted as a parent, as a mom who is very busy with all these, you know,
[05:42] my business and my husband deploying and all of that.
[05:44] I ended up going back and, you know, taking classes and studying behavioral psychology and all of that. So in addition,
[05:51] on the, on the side, right, I was reading and stuff like that. So that's kind of how I got into this because maybe it's just that I'm competitive, but I just like,
[06:01] these little kids are not going to beat me.
[06:04] Like, ah, I'm still getting, I'm going to get them to behave like, well, I've got to figure this out. So that's how I did this. And I've been mentoring and coaching parents.
[06:13] My kids are now 20, the triplets are 24. My oldest is 27.
[06:17] I've been at this for about, you know, a little over 20 years now.
[06:21] Christi Gmyr: Oh my goodness. I can only imagine parenting, I mean, as we all know, is so stressful, but I can only imagine what that must be like to plan for a second and suddenly end up with like that.
[06:32] What a, what a surprise that that must have been.
[06:36] Sue Donnellan: It was, yeah.
[06:38] Christi Gmyr: And so it sounds like in addition to all the regular parenting struggles, there was just, it sounds like it was multiplied for you.
[06:46] But then with, with that being said, you know, there's also this added layer of being a military spouse. Right.
[06:54] So.
[06:55] Because I imagine that that is something that a lot of people can relate to, not a lot of people obviously cannot relate to that. And it's just, I imagine g very different experience in a lot of ways.
[07:06] And so I'm curious, like, what did life look like for you when you first became a mom alongside your spouse's military career?
[07:15] Sue Donnellan: Well, we were long distance for quite a while. Then we got married and that was the first time that we really kind of lived in the same town. We met in college, but only dated for about five months.
[07:24] And then we finally got together.
[07:27] So we enjoyed a couple of years, about three, four years of married life before children.
[07:32] Um, my husband was in a variety of different phases of training.
[07:37] You know, he flew a 10, he flies, flew a 10 fighter jets. And that that required a variety of different,
[07:45] different like four month training stints and then a two month training stint. And so by the time we tried to sort of front load as much as we could before we had kids, so he has to do something that they call a remote, where he had to go over to Korea for a year.
[08:01] Uh, so we opted to do that prior to having kids. But we then while he was gone and in between our trips to see one another, we did try to get pregnant with our first.
[08:11] And I did spend the first three months pregnant without him home, which is, you know,
[08:17] fine. We. We knew what we were doing there. But ultimately, after our oldest was born,
[08:23] my husband was gone doing some deployments, and he was gone about six months of Matt's first year. So that was. That added another layer of.
[08:33] Of on top of me running my business. And, and my business was. Is still something that we rely on my income. So it's, it's providing function for my home, where it's the extras, it's the, it's the vacations, it's the extra.
[08:48] So I did have.
[08:49] And I love my business, but I had that kind of sort of pressure that I was earning money that we depended on.
[08:56] I had clients that were depending on me in addition to on the back end knowing that my husband was gone for three months here, three months there while I had my first child.
[09:05] And I. And I did rely on my mom and my family to help, because when you're in the military, you know, your family is really.
[09:12] Are the people that you're deployed or that you're living with. So we moved to a small, little,
[09:17] sleepy Southern town,
[09:18] and all the other wives were really my friends and my family at that time. So we do rely on one another to support each other.
[09:25] But at the end of the day, right, they were raising their family, I'm raising mine. I,
[09:29] you know,
[09:30] you're still exhausted.
[09:32] You're still very, very tired, trying to balance it all with a baby.
[09:36] Christi Gmyr: Well, I'm sure. And that's, and that's one of the
things that I was wondering about because, you know,
[09:41] when I. One of the things that I talk to so many moms about, I'm sure so many other people have heard this from other places, too, is this idea, you know, the importance of leaning on a support system.
[09:52] And obviously that's going to be different for everybody. Some people have a much stronger support system than others. You know, it's going to look very different. But as a military spouse in particular, you know,
[10:04] you. I hear people talk about, yes, the,
[10:08] the. The support we get from other military spouses and how that can be very important and valuable. And valuable, I think. And valuable. Not invaluable.
[10:18] It's just very, very important,
[10:22] especially because I know for a lot of people there, there is moving around and whatnot. And so I'm wondering, like, if you found that easier, harder, you know, to build that Support system.
[10:34] Having moved around the way that you.
[10:36] Sue Donnellan: Did,
[10:37] you know, we were able to sort of structure my husband's career to where we stayed in one spot because he went to training. So I stayed in the small town and then we opted for him to do preemptively that Korea year remote and while I still stayed in the town.
[10:54] So I managed,
[10:56] and this was all pre thought and strategized by the two of us.
[10:59] I managed to stay in one place for six years while he went out and back out and back. So that helped me build a foundation for my business. My business does not rely on the local area.
[11:10] I work nationally. So I was able to, to whatever clients I built could take it with me wherever we moved. And that was also done strategically. When I built my business knowing I was marrying a guy in the military, I was very.
[11:22] And this was 30 years ago. Like this was before people worked from home. This was before we had such freedom and technology that allows us to do the things that we can now.
[11:32] But so I think that, you know, everything is possible, right? So if with, with certain techniques and certain discipline and certain processes,
[11:41] we can, it, it is possible to have a child and to support a husband in the military who does deploy and have something for yourself as your own business. Now it did require me working a lot, so but I do have some tricks up my sleeve that would help anyone whether you're in the military,
[12:00] moving around in a town where you don't know people, or whether you're in a town where you do know people.
[12:06] One, one of the things that I did was I went to,
[12:11] I would take the baby for a walk and there was a big building on old folks, like not, not, not like what they're doing these days with independent living and all of that.
[12:19] But it was like an apartment of some retired elderly people. So I just went in and talked to the building owner and said, hey, I've got a child and I work from home and I would love to get some type of, you know, able bodied grandma that might want to come over three days a week for about three hours.
[12:34] And that I got so many takers. We put a little bulletin up and these women, you know, they're, they're moms or grandmas and they, they still can,
[12:43] they still have their faculties. You know, they're not,
[12:46] you know,
[12:47] with dementia. I mean they're just older and living on a, on a fixed income and they were jumping at the chance to be able to hold a baby and be,
[12:54] and help a mom out. So I did do. And then I, there are also some churches where you can go and for free they have like employment agency or opportunities for somebody like looking for extra work.
[13:07] And I did that. I took advantage of that in one of the other towns that we lived in. So I was able to get somebody to come in and help me, just like I said, three days a week.
[13:17] Whether it meant leaving and running errands without having to take the baby, or it meant going and shutting my door in my office and just being able to finish what I needed.
[13:24] And I think that that is a very important takeaway is like we have to ask for help.
[13:32] And you know, we talk about burnout and sometimes we don't need to be a martyr. We don't need to be, we don't need to do it all. We can do it all.
[13:40] Okay? I'm all about empower, empowerment. And I lived the life, you know, four kids, a full time business.
[13:46] It things are possible if we want to work hard and we can be disciplined and have a process, but we don't have to do it all without asking for help or outsourcing.
[13:56] And especially when the kids are babies,
[13:58] you know, it was very easy for her to just feed him a bottle and hold him and,
[14:03] you know, put him down for a nap. I was home, I was still there,
[14:07] and it was just a few hours. But being able to ask for help and be kind of creative about how I did it was invaluable to me. That was really one of the things that I did early on that allowed me with a newborn and you know, even a 1,
[14:22] 2, 3 year old to just have some help because my mom couldn't really spend a lot of. She would help me during the newborn years where, you know, months where I was really, really tired.
[14:34] But as time went on, those were problems that I had to solve.
[14:37] You know, it's my child, my husband's deploying. I own all of the decisions I made, which is to marry a guy and support him in the military and start a business and have a family.
[14:47] So I just applied creative ideas towards, you know, finding solutions.
[14:54] And it was all about taking a little bit off my plate wherever I could to sort of limp myself along at every phase.
[15:02] And that really worked well.
[15:04] Christi Gmyr: And I, you know, those are some great ideas. And I agree, like, asking for help is really, really important. But I also think, you know, one of the things that a lot of moms struggle with is this idea of asking for help for a number of different reasons.
[15:17] One of the big things that I hear is that,
[15:20] you know, I don't want, I don't want to be a burden. Right. It just. They feel like by asking for help they are putting something off onto other people. But one of the, which that in itself I feel like is something that we could talk about and challenge.
[15:32] But with your example, you know, your ideas, one of the things that I really liked about that is about those things is that you are,
[15:40] it's like a win win. Like you are asking for people not just as a favor, like, hey, can you help me? Which that in itself is okay, but it's benefiting you and it's benefiting them.
[15:49] And it sounds like you're putting it out there. And then people are saying like, yes, me, like they're volunteering. And so I imagine that probably helps with, with that guilt too, that might come along with that.
[16:01] Sue Donnellan: Yeah, I,
[16:03] you know, I didn't really have a problem with guilt. I think it's just kind of the way that I'm built. And I did, in my book, I did write a whole chapter on how to get how, how to handle guilt.
[16:15] Um, and then I talk about all the different guilt that we, that we all absorb, which is the guilt from our children, the guilt that, you know, society puts on us.
[16:24] I have a variety of explanations on guilt and how to handle it.
[16:29] Um,
[16:30] but yes, if, if guilt, if, you know, I didn't feel bad about asking for help because,
[16:37] you know, again, I was in a, in a different town. I had no friends and family. I mean, I had some friends, but they were also busy.
[16:45] And so, you know, again,
[16:47] my child is my responsibility and my decisions are my responsibility. So being able to reach out to a grandma who might be, you know, on a fixed income in this apartment building,
[16:59] she's got experience,
[17:00] she's helping me out. And it didn't have to be like a full time thing. It was something that I was able to just buy myself a little bit of freedom to like I said, complete a thought or to go and focus and have a meeting or run an errand without the baby.
[17:13] Um, yes, it was a win, win situation and I did feel good about that. And she, you know, I remember the one woman that I had named Mary. She was really excited to share her advice with me as a new mom.
[17:27] And so, yeah, it was very much win, win.
[17:30] Christi Gmyr: Okay, great. Well, so. And I'm glad to hear that you were not struggling with guilt because I imagine for, for starters, I know that's something that a lot of moms do struggle with.
[17:38] And I imagine you already had so many other things on your late. But so not guilt. I'm curious though, would some of the challenges that maybe you did have or the experiences that you did have,
[17:50] did you find that those impacted your mental or emotional well being in other ways? Like especially in those early years of being a mom,
[17:59] you know.
[17:59] Sue Donnellan: Yeah, I was, I. A word that I would use would be bitter because you know, and I talk about this a lot like in workshops and stuff and you know, this is a very interesting takeaway.
[18:12] I have not heard anyone else say this. I think this is an original. Uh, but do you notice how society does not have a term for working dads?
[18:20] We are only working moms.
[18:22] And that diminishes, number one,
[18:25] the job we're doing at home as a full time mom,
[18:28] but it also diminishes us in society is that we're working moms. Yes. So we have two full time jobs but according to society standards,
[18:36] we are viewed as moms who work as a, you know, a working mom where you never ever hear anyone refer to the dad as a working dad.
[18:47] Yet he's out working and he also is expected to be 50, 50 parent to his child.
[18:53] So we are already being put upon,
we are already,
[18:57] society is already putting these definitions on us that I,
[19:02] that made me somewhat bitter, you know, where my husband,
[19:06] I'm running a business and I'm earning income for the family,
[19:10] but I'm also the one called from the school. I'm also the one has to adjust my schedule. Why? Because I can.
[19:16] He's allowed to stay out and be like, oh my, my, my sortie went longer or I'm going to be in the meeting because, you know, somebody's here to handle it.
[19:26] And therefore, you know, I felt somewhat bitter for a long time with the four kids that you know, everything rested on me to be here for the family to always be the,
[19:37] I don't want to say the responsible one, but like the one that is expected to be home and you know, starting dinner for the, for the four kids while my business gets put on the back burner.
[19:46] And then I ended up and he would come home and read to the kids and put them down for bed, which was awesome. But then when he was doing that at 10, nine, whatever time it was, I was in here back working and I would be working until 11 to get caught up on all the stuff that I had to stop doing at three.
[20:02] So bitterness is what kind of defined me for a while until,
[20:07] you know, and so that's just how I take it. It didn't turn into like a depression or anything like that. It was just kind of an anger of a,
[20:16] you know, just the expectations that are put on me in terms of firing on every level and those expectations just that I have to show up and be able to be,
[20:26] be doing, running,
[20:28] running on every cylinder, you know.
[20:31] And so yes, it was, it, it was challenging. And you know, early in the early days, no kidding, with four kids overnight, I was literally napping at red lights,
[20:40] you know, and it's really no wonder why I was yelling because,
[20:44] you know, I was tired, I was stressed, I was frustrated, I didn't know what else to do.
[20:48] Which is partially why I went back, you know, to school, learned behavioral psychology and learned what the things that I learned.
[20:54] Um, but yeah, I mean, we can get to that in, in a minute here. But yeah, I did have those moments for sure.
[21:01] Christi Gmyr: Well, yeah, and you make a, you make a really interesting point about this like, idea of like working moms, working dads. I mean, yes, working moms is something that we hear about a lot.
[21:10] But yeah, that's a, that's a really interesting point. And so with all of that that you've just been, you know, talking about, did you ever feel like you were isolated or unseen in those sacrifices that you were making?
[21:22] And if so, how did you cope with that? Like, how did you cope with that bitterness?
[21:26] Sue Donnellan: Yeah, I, I did because back in the day, I was really one of the only people I knew that worked from home and I had my own business and I,
[21:34] you know, a lot of the moms now my heart goes out to the moms that were leaving their house and having to go out and then come home like that I was at least home.
[21:41] So if the kids got home from the bus or whatever, I was here.
[21:43] Um, so yeah, I, I did.
[21:46] I, I think one of the things that I,
[21:49] that really kind of helped me was being able to grab control of I, of my own responsibility, you know, at the end of the day. And part of what I, what I talk about in my coaching with, with moms and, you know, parents is the what, what part do I own?
[22:04] What part can I, am I in control of what is where? So I, I pretty much thought I,
[22:11] I need to own this myself and figure out my way forward. And I was always willing. And I, I do talk about this in my book as well. It's like I've got a decision making process where I zoom in and zoom out.
[22:22] I'm able to apply big picture logic to my micro moment and I have a whole Process that I teach about that for moms that are overwhelmed and burned out.
[22:29] And it ideally is what I ended up teaching myself because,
[22:36] you know,
[22:37] I've got this business. We depend on the income. I've got these kids. I don't. It's me or no one. You know, my husband,
[22:45] yes, he had his deployments. He was deployed five times when he was home. He was an amazing father. So there's. For the moms that are out there that are doing it all without help,
[22:54] I do offer or, you know, suggestions and ideas on what the techniques that I use to help me through those moments.
[23:04] And you know, if you want me to get into some of those now, I can. Or if you want to wait until,
[23:08] you know, you at that point of ready to ask me. But yeah, I, I, I did have those moments and I did have to sort of grab my own self and understand what piece do I own and where can I either shed some responsibility, where can I dial it back?
[23:26] And understanding that in parenting,
[23:30] part of my stress, like parenting is an additional stress, like anybody even dealing with stress without children.
[23:36] Right. Parenting as that other layer. And that is a treadmill that never stops. So you're sometimes running on the treadmill and sometimes you're just walking on the treadmill, but you're never stepping off of it.
[23:46] Christi Gmyr: Right.
[23:48] Sue Donnellan: Those kids need you all day, every day. So now I'm like, what piece do I have control over and where do I bracket that and dial,
[23:58] dial it back or what? Where do I have control? So it's all about the self empowerment.
[24:05] Christi Gmyr: Yeah.
[24:05] Sue Donnellan: And looking at the situation and understanding where you have control and what you can manage and you know, just again, applying that big picture to the moment.
[24:14] Christi Gmyr: Right? Yeah, no, absolutely. Well, and, and in terms of like, I hear what you're saying, like empowerment and figuring out, like recognizing what you can control and things like that to,
[24:24] to cope with the stressors and the burnout. And But I'm curious, like,
[24:29] how did you even know, like four kids, triple kits, again, like that. That is a lot for anybody, I would imagine, you know. And so one of the things that I talk about a lot is the difference between stress and burnout, you know, and how people use the terms interchangeably,
[24:44] but they are different.
[24:46] And so I'm curious, like, what did burnout look like for you, like, when you were in the thick of it? Because again, like, you had a lot going on.
[24:53] Sue Donnellan: Okay, so burnout accumulated, you know. Okay, so. Yes, thank you. That, that's a great question. Because I was able to sort of Like I've said limp myself along with my, with my attitude.
[25:07] And then I did reach a critical point where I was,
[25:12] you know, my husband finally swooped in and took the kids camping and gave me a weekend, maybe like a three day weekend. I was at the point, when we talk about burnout,
[25:21] I was at the point where I was like gonna go to like a, like a, those hotels that are like long stay hotels. And I was ready to go book myself for a week and just tell him I'm stepping out and you can solve it and you can take time off work.
[25:37] You know, when I talk about bitter,
[25:39] I had my moments where I was just like, I'm, I'm not, I'm, I'm done being the one toeing the line right now.
[25:45] And, you know, you can get somebody to come in and help you, a little grandma to come in, buy yourself some time. And then the kids start school. So then,
[25:51] you know, you breathe a minute and you're like, okay, I have a tiny bit of a break.
[25:56] But then,
[25:56] you know, somebody told me when the kids were young, like under five, they're like, oh,
[26:01] you know, you're, you're not even busy yet. And I was like, you know what? You don't even know what you're talking about. Well, they were not wrong. They were not wrong because you transfer,
[26:12] you know, the amount of work you're doing, getting up and changing diapers and feeding and all of that, and now it transfers to a whole psychological load.
[26:19] So now we're dealing with a lot more parenting, you know, mind stuff, you know, and that's a, that's aware on your mind.
[26:27] Um, but so even though the kids were in school and so forth, I still found myself at that point. I want to say the kids were about eight, like six to nine.
[26:36] You know, by that time I was like,
[26:39] I'm ****. I gotta get, I gotta step out. I have to step out and I'm gonna go. So he stepped in and was like, okay, I'm gonna take time, I'm gonna take the kids camping.
[26:48] And I,
[26:49] you know, I finally had that moment to breathe and, you know, I just didn't have access to my mom to come over for weekends. Like, I was by myself pretty much.
[26:57] And then, you know, he was home and when he was home, he was fantastic. But, you know, the majority of everything kind of rested on me to balance. So that's what burned out burnout looked like to me, is me just saying uncle.
[27:08] Um,
[27:09] and one of the other times that I remember really just being at My wit's end was when my husband got deployed. And he was gone for, I don't know, five, eight months or whatever it was.
[27:19] And I. I was drowning. And I just. I remember I called my brother and said,
[27:25] you know, happy. I was calling him to say happy birthday. And my brother and I are close, but we're not, like, you know, he's not somebody I would complain to.
[27:32] And I was like, I'm dying. Mom has to come here. I'm. I don't know what more I can. I am dying. Like, I'm up at night. I have sick kids.
[27:38] I'm not sleeping. I'm.
[27:40] I remember burnout also looked like, for me was when I was in the middle of studying, taking my classes at night on the behavioral psychology and the Montessori practices.
[27:51] I was. I would
go out to dinner. I would get my little grandma to watch the kids at night.
[27:56] And because my husband was deployed at the time,
[27:59] so I went to go take myself to Mexican and then go to the class,
[28:04] and there was this cute little waitress at the Mexican restaurant. And I was, like, so desperate. I said, could you come on Sundays? Like, do you like babysitting? Could you just come on a Sunday to just give me a break on the weekend?
[28:16] It was just such a stunning steady diet of kid,
[28:19] four of them, and the energy of them. And I just.
[28:23] You know, you just need help. You just need help, and you'll take it in any way that you can get it. So that.
[28:30] That's how burnout looked for me, is me just grabbing hold of what. Whoever I could, Whatever I could, to just give me a moment to breathe.
[28:37] Christi Gmyr: Well, and I'm glad that you were able to recognize that and notice, like, when you did need to tag out and get that support, I know that's something that's hard for a lot of people.
[28:45] It's interesting because as I'm listening to you talk, it makes me think about, like, you know, some of my own experiences when my. When my kids were little. And it was a similar idea where, you know, I'd be, like, super stressed.
[28:54] There'd be so much going on, and I would literally say, tag out. I would, like, make my husband switch places with me to take over. And then on the flip side, if I noticed that he was getting to a point where he was burned out, I would say,
[29:08] go. Go over there. Like, I will take over, right? And just.
[29:11] And working together. But not everybody has that. And even when you talk about, like, when your husband was deployed and there were times when, you know, when you didn't have him right there.
[29:21] And so getting that support in other places and just recognizing, you know, that that was something that you did need a break from it and going and seeking out the supports to be able to give you that break that you needed.
[29:32] So that's really great that you were able to do that.
[29:36] So,
[29:39] obviously, I feel like we could have this conversation all day. I can tell that you have so much to say and you have so much valuable experiences, and this is so interesting, but I'm just curious, so, like, if we were to talk, you know, about this again, your role as a military spouse,
[29:56] as a working mom, you know, I'm curious, like, what is one thing that you just really wish that people would. Knew and understood about,
[30:08] you know, about military spouses and their families?
[30:12] Sue Donnellan: Okay, so specifically about military families. I mean, just like, we're. We're.
[30:16] We volunteered. That's number one.
[30:19] My husband volunteered.
[30:21] Nobody is forced to be there. Everybody is passionate about being there,
[30:25] and they love being there. And,
[30:27] you know, in my case,
[30:30] willingly, gleefully supported him,
[30:33] knowing what I was marrying and knowing, you know, not knowing how that was gonna feel in the moment, but, like, going, I'm in it. And we're. We're in it through thick and thin.
[30:41] And a lot of the military families have the same.
[30:46] The same,
[30:47] you know, approach to life. They're. They're out.
[30:50] You know, so many of the families and women that I've met have embraced the fun of going to live in different places for every couple of years and put their kid and go overseas and take these opportunities.
[31:01] The military offers so many benefits for families that I think a lot of people don't know. Just the academic, you know, school benefits and. And healthcare benefits. And,
[31:14] you know, yes,
[31:15] it is hard to have your husband or your spouse, you know, deployed.
[31:20] However,
[31:20] it really,
[31:21] in. In a good, solid relationship. It really bonds you and it makes the time together so much more special.
[31:28] And,
[31:29] you know, we. I think just like that's the biggest takeaway is that we all want to be here. We all volunteered for this.
[31:35] We all embrace it, and it's a very unique and fun lifestyle. And I have never met a single person affiliated with the military in any walk of life that looked back at their career and said, ah, you know, I wish I didn't do that.
[31:50] Every single one looks back and says, what a ride. Like, yeah, we had our hard moments, but the hard moments are what make the other moments all the sweeter.
[32:02] So I would say that.
[32:03] Christi Gmyr: That.
[32:03] Sue Donnellan: That would be what I would say.
[32:05] Christi Gmyr: That's amazing. Yeah. No, thank you for that. That is, that is really amazing.
[32:10] So then where, you know, so for the people who are listening today, you know, obviously you have a lot to offer. You have your coaching, you have a lot of this experience.
[32:18] So where can people learn more about you and your work?
[32:23] Sue Donnellan: Well, my website is askmomparenting.com and then I've got Ask Mom Parenting on YouTube, on Instagram and Facebook. So I also have a private Facebook group for.
[32:34] It's called Yell Free.
[32:37] Yell Free Parenting for Exhausted Moms.
[32:40] So we've got a private group and I put special content in there, and we have conversations and we help each other through.
[32:46] So that's fun and that's a free group, but it's private.
[32:49] So there's a variety of ways, but you can start with the askmomparenting.com and that'll take you everywhere else.
[32:55] Christi Gmyr: Okay, great. So, and for everybody listening, I will include all that in the show notes so you can,
[33:00] you know, check that out if you are wanting to learn more about sue and connect with her.
[33:05] So before we wrap up for today, you know, if you could leave the listeners with one piece of advice. And whether you're speaking directly to other military spouses, you know, maybe moms who are struggling or just moms who are managing stress of their careers while raising kids, like, what,
[33:21] what would that be?
[33:23] Sue Donnellan: The number one thing that I said over and over was, I have a system for everything.
[33:28] And again, that's applying my big picture mentality. I, I, I always run every stressful moment when I find myself,
[33:37] you know, I can't get a breath or I'm overwhelmed. I zoom out to the big picture.
[33:41] The big picture lens helps me answer. Well, so what?
[33:46] Well, so what if I don't get to the gym today? Well, so what if the kid, you know, so what? So my big picture lens allows me to let go what doesn't matter in that moment that is overwhelming me.
[33:58] Um, but I have a system for everything. And when you have a process that is established in the home, everybody follows that process. So whether it means my,
[34:09] um, one of the things that I did was I would have a shopping list and it was up for the world to put up. You know, whatever, whatever you need.
[34:16] If you ate the last Oreo, you better put it on the list because I'm not buying it if it's not on the list.
[34:21] Everybody had a say in this process. They always understood mom shops once a week. If it's not on the list, I have to wait. So, like,
[34:28] it starts with, you know, being able to have this, this system that everybody falls into is consistency and it's accountability. It bakes all of those things into the family and into the kids.
[34:39] But my husband, it was allowed my husband to be out doing his job and come home and fall into the system that was running.
[34:46] So everybody knew what was expected and whether it was like,
[34:51] you know, my sticky notes out wherever it was, but anything. I just had a system for everything.
[34:57] Everybody knew what to expect and, you know, you're in charge of your own system, but just zoom out and go, okay, this feels overwhelming. How can I apply some efficiency to this moment?
[35:07] Wait, the kids are throwing all the. Their coats on the floor. My temptation is to yell. And you know, you're always, buh, buh, buh, You're. You never pick up a clothes.
[35:15] Okay, big picture logic tells me,
[35:17] how do I apply some predictability to this part that's overwhelming me? Oh, well, I'm just going to get a, like a. We're going to go to the secondhand store and I, you know what, I'm going to.
[35:27] Whoever, whoever's throwing their clothes on the, on the floor the most is going to come with me and we're going to go shop and we're going to go pick out a little shoe or a little coat rack together.
[35:36] Let's go. How do we create a process so that when you come through the door,
[35:41] you've got a place for your shoes and your coat? If that's the problem,
[35:44] every single problem that we are facing as parents can be run through your big picture filter and have a process applied that everybody follows. That's my number one piece of advice, is a system for everything.
[35:58] Christi Gmyr: And I have to say, as I'm listening to you talk, I'm smiling because, you know, you share that example about the grocery list and I do the same thing, or I have a list and I will right before I leave to the store saying, does anybody need to add anything to the list?
[36:08] And a few days later, my kids will be like, mom, did you buy this? And I'll be like, was it on the list?
[36:14] Sue Donnellan: Exactly. No, no, no.
[36:16] Absolutely no, Absolutely. Because that's just like I said, you know, every chance. And when I was studying the behavioral psychology stuff, it was like, how do you bake in the accountability in the family without being a lecturer and being, you know, nagging?
[36:29] I'm, I basically am just in charge of me and my actions. I have a process.
[36:34] Here's the process, then I have to back it up with action.
[36:37] So
when I don't come home with the Oreos and you're upset.
[36:41] Oh, well, it was. Well, here's my list. I don't see it on there. Oh, I guess you'll have to wait until next Monday,
[36:46] you know, and I'm not going to go back out. I'm not going to go make it better for you. I'm not going to go. I'm not going to go buy them because I feel bad.
[36:52] Because,
[36:52] you know, you knew the process.
[36:54] So that really helps in parenting in a variety of ways.
[36:58] And the whole home and everything can be set up with that same accountability baked in to the way I run my process.
[37:06] So now I'm taking stuff off my plate and I'm not. I'm not chasing my tail because I'm so stressed.
[37:12] Christi Gmyr: Well, and to your point, yes, it's like helping in multiple ways, right? Because it's protecting you. It's protecting your time, it's protecting your.
[37:19] Your piece, you know, it's a boundary, essentially. And also it's teaching them accountability, you know, and so multiple benefits there, so.
[37:28] Well, again, thank you so much for being here. Again, I know I said that before, but I feel like there's just so much valuable information in here, and I really appreciate you taking the time today.
[37:38] Sue Donnellan: Thank you for having me.
[37:40] Christi Gmyr: Yeah, of course.
[37:41] And so for the moms who are listening, you know, as always, it's. Any of this resonates with you, or if you found any of the things talked about today to be helpful or valuable, you know, please feel free.
[37:51] You know, go check out sue, you know, check out the sources that she has available.
[37:54] And then also, if you need any other additional support,
[37:58] please share this podcast with other moms, you know, who might also be struggling because we are all in this together.
