EPS. 02 - It's Not Just You - The Isolation of Motherhood - Transcript

Episode 02: It's Not Just You – The Isolation of Motherhood - Transcript

[00:00] Christi Gmyr: Welcome to Over Caffeinated and Out of Effs, the podcast for burned out, career-minded moms who are ready to stop pretending everything's fine and feel like themselves again.

[00:15] I'm your host, Christi Gmyr, burnout coach for moms, licensed therapist and mom of two. And I'm here to help you reclaim your energy, your identity and your peace of mind.

[00:25] Whether you're lying awake thinking about the 87 things you didn't get done, or silently resenting the people you love most,

[00:32] this is your space to feel seen, supported and not so alone.

[00:36] So grab your coffee, hot, cold or day old, and let's get into it.

[00:47] Hi everybody.

[00:49] Welcome to today's episode of Over Caffeinated and Out of Effs.

[00:54] I know you are all very, very busy and I'm just so glad that you were able to take the time out of your day to be here and I really, really appreciate it.

[01:03] I'm your host, Christi Gmyr,

[01:06] and the whole reason that I started this podcast is because I really want to help support moms at any point in their careers who might be struggling with managing their different roles.

[01:17] And one of my main goals is to help them feel seen and not so alone.

[01:25] In today's episode, I want to talk about something so many working moms experience but don't necessarily talk about out loud.

[01:33] And that's the isolation that a lot of us experience.

[01:36] And the reason that I want to talk about this today while we're in the very early episodes of this podcast is because, again, that's one of my main goals is to help working moms realize that they're not alone.

[01:47] I really want to help you all feel seen, supported, and just to really know that there are so many other other moms out there with very similar, if not the same struggles that you might be having,

[02:00] you know, even if it doesn't always seem that way on the surface.

[02:06] So first I want to kind of talk about some of the reasons for this isolation because there, there are a lot of them,

[02:13] you know. So for starters, one of the big ones,

[02:15] moms are busy. I don't need to tell you that, you know, plain and simple. They just, they don't have a lot of time between work, taking care of kids, taking care of things at home, running errands, doing drop offs and pickups,

[02:28] running to a million appointments, shuttling kids around to extracurricular activities, figuring out meals, doing bedtime routines that especially with younger kids, can sometimes take hours.

[02:38] Not to mention we have to sleep at some point.

[02:42] And I kind of say that jokingly. But the fact is there are things that we absolutely have to do for ourselves that honestly, a lot of people still have a hard time prioritizing.

[02:53] And those things can take time out of our days as well. And, you know, I could go on and on and on with this list.

[03:02] The thing is, our to do lists never go away. You know, it's kind of like laundry. You can make a serious effort, but as you're taking things off your list,

[03:12] more things are being added. It's just always there.

[03:15] And that's a separate problem that I'm not going to get into today. You know, how do we manage those lists and how do I prioritize things?

[03:22] But the point that I'm really trying to make is that working moms don't always have time for real adult connection.

[03:30] Even when they do manage to find the time, they don't always have the energy for it.

[03:36] So instead of reaching out to friends, they might decide to sit down and scroll on their phones, for example, or,

[03:43] you know, do something mindless like that instead.

[03:48] Now,

[03:49] I know we all love our friends, right? So me personally, I love my friends, and I'm sure you all do, too. My friendships are so important to me,

[03:59] and I love it when they reach out to me because I think about them a lot,

[04:05] even if I'm not always reaching out to them.

[04:08] So when they send me a simple text message, you know, it's a reminder that I am also important to them and that they're thinking about me, too.

[04:16] And I. And I very much appreciate that, and I love that. But honestly, sometimes I see a text coming in and I'm not always the best at responding. You know, a lot of times, especially if I'm in the middle of something,

[04:26] which very often I am, you know, I might make a mental note and tell myself that I'll get back to it later, and then, you know, I'll respond later. And then time sort of gets away from me.

[04:35] Sometimes I forget.

[04:37] And as much as I want to talk to and connect with them, when I'm running around and I have a long list of things to do,

[04:44] sometimes that seemingly simple task of returning a text message gets added to that to do list that I'm always working on getting through,

[04:53] and I know a lot of other moms feel similarly. And the thing is, the mental load that so many of us deal with is pretty overwhelming.

[05:02] And so even conversations with close friends,

[05:06] even remembering to send those text messages, things like that,

[05:11] those things can sometimes be hard to manage.

[05:15] And that's just Responding to text messages. You know, friendships require attention, but most moms are in survival mode. And so as a result, they don't always answer text messages. They don't always make or follow through with plans.

[05:28] And so as a result,

[05:29] sometimes those relationships start to distance without anybody really realizing it or meaning for it to happen.

[05:38] Another reason that so many working moms experience isolation and why they might start noticing their friendships drifting is because our friends are busy too.

[05:48] Or maybe we are at different stages of our lives than them.

[05:52] You know, maybe your best friends from high school or college,

[05:56] maybe they have older kids or younger kids, and so their day to days look completely different and they're busy in an entirely different way than you.

[06:05] Maybe they don't have kids and are spending time traveling or doing other things like that.

[06:10] Maybe they're not working full time,

[06:13] or maybe their work schedules are opposite yours. You know, maybe they're working at night and you're working them during the day or vice versa,

[06:22] you know, and as much as we love our friends,

[06:25] so many moms wake up feeling like they can't necessarily relate to some of these people that we've been friends with for a long time in the same way that they used to be able to,

[06:37] you know, for those reasons that I just mentioned.

[06:40] Or maybe you're all just so busy that instead of talking to them every day like you used to,

[06:46] now maybe you catch up every few months, if that.

[06:51] And this doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing for that particular friendship, for that particular relationship.

[06:57] You know, there are,

[06:59] you know, there are a lot of people who have friends that they, you know, I hear people talk about this a lot.

[07:04] You know, they can talk to every few months and pick up exactly where they left off. You know, that's exactly how it is with my childhood best friend and me.

[07:12] You know, we're both so busy, we really don't talk that much. You know,

[07:15] every couple of weeks we might send each other a text message. Every couple months we plan a phone date and we spend a couple hours catching up then,

[07:23] and it feels like hardly any time has passed because that friendship is still really strong.

[07:28] So that can definitely work in some cases.

[07:31] However,

[07:32] the point that I'm trying to make is, is that you might have really good friends who you talk to every so often,

[07:40] you know, and those relationships might be, might be very strong.

[07:43] But we're talking if, if what we're talking about is isolation versus connectedness,

[07:50] your. The day to day can still be very isolating because maybe most days you're not talking to those people.

[08:00] One of the other things that can unfortunately happen,

[08:03] and it's not necessarily intentional, but it does happen,

[08:07] is that sometimes people make plans with friends, with each other,

[08:13] and they. Not everybody necessarily gets invited. You know, with mom friends in particular,

[08:19] sometimes this can be a struggle because,

[08:21] you know, sometimes assumptions are made.

[08:23] Again, maybe friends aren't necessarily trying to make them feel excluded or anything like that, but sometimes it's either assumed that they're not available or maybe it's assumed that they're not going to be able to come,

[08:35] especially if they've had to say no a lot of times before,

[08:39] or,

[08:40] you know, and this isn't always the case, but sometimes it's the case. You know, we have different kinds of outings that may or may not include kids. You know,

[08:48] and if something is being planned where maybe it's not an activity where, where kids are going to be,

[08:57] you know, as welcome or have as much fun or, or whatever it might be,

[09:03] that might be another reason why, why people may or may not be asked to be to come along.

[09:09] And the thing is, is after these things happen, then pictures get posted, you know, social media,

[09:15] and it can leave a lot of moms feeling badly and again contribute to this feeling of isolation.

[09:24] On the other hand, there might be times when you are invited to things,

[09:28] but again, maybe you aren't able to relate in the same way that you used to be able to. Maybe you don't necessarily have things in common the way that you used to, to be able to talk about.

[09:39] You know, maybe your friends want to talk about their dating lives or their jobs or all the things that they're

doing with their free time.

[09:47] Or maybe again, their kids are older or younger and they're just in a different stage and so the way they're talking about those things can be different.

[09:56] And maybe you just can't relate because at least for now,

[10:00] your job is all about your kids and the stage of life that they're at.

[10:05] You know, maybe you want to vent about how your toddler screamed for 90 minutes straight or how bedtime is taking two hours or some other,

[10:14] you know, some issue with another kid at daycare or how stressful it is when your partner gets home so late every night and you. And so you have to do all the childcare things like dinner, baths, homework, bedtime,

[10:26] all those kinds of things by yourself,

[10:29] but maybe you don't,

[10:31] maybe don't talk about those things because either A,

[10:34] you don't think they'll really want to hear it,

[10:37] or B, they don't.

[10:38] They'll try to be supportive,

[10:40] but maybe you're concerned that they just really won't understand,

[10:45] try as they might.

[10:47] And so all of these things are reasons why it can be really helpful. It can be really important to also, in addition to those friendships, to find other new friendships with people who are in that similar life stage,

[11:00] because it can be easier to relate. Unfortunately, though,

[11:04] initiating, maintaining new friendships can be easier said than done because, again,

[11:09] they require time, they require attention, and they require energy and just things that a lot of working moms maybe are feeling a bit short on.

[11:21] So, coming.

[11:22] I was talking a minute ago about how maybe moms might not talk about certain things with friends if they're concerned that,

[11:30] you know, people won't understand.

[11:32] So I kind of want to come back to this idea that maybe certain people or this idea that nobody really, quote, unquote, gets it.

[11:41] This can be another reason why moms feel so ice. Like, feel so isolated. Again, this idea that nobody really gets it. And part of that can also be because society often downplays the struggles.

[11:56] You know, there's this kind of toxic positivity that makes moms feel like they're the ones,

[12:04] like they're the only ones that are struggling and that maybe they shouldn't be. You know, moms are expected to just kind of figure things out, enjoy every moment, be grateful, never complain.

[12:16] And then there are the comparisons. Even when other moms seem to also be struggling,

[12:23] a lot of times the assumption might be that they are handling it better, they're struggling less.

[12:29] And that can make a lot of moms question themselves and their own experience.

[12:34] And it can also make it really hard for them to be vulnerable.

[12:37] Not only can it be hard to admit out loud to yourself when you feel like you're not doing a good enough job, but a lot of moms also worry about being judged if they're honest about how hard things really are.

[12:50] And then one final reason why so many working moms feel so isolated is because not everybody has family or other outside support to help. You know,

[13:01] a lot of people don't necessarily live local to their family. You know, they say that it takes a village to raise a child, but not everybody necessarily feels like they have that.

[13:13] You know,

[13:14] again, for a number of reasons,

[13:16] maybe they live really far away,

[13:19] or maybe they are not able to help because of poor health or other reasons like that.

[13:25] You know, maybe maybe they're not willing to help. You know,

[13:29] or maybe maybe they are willing to help, but they're not necessarily the kind of help that people are wanting. I know a lot of people struggle with accepting help from family members if they don't feel like their own roles and decisions as parents are being respected.

[13:44] You know, sometimes there can be, you know, not all the time, obviously, but in some situations, there can be this sense of,

[13:52] I'm a grandparent. I've raised kids before. I don't need you to tell me how to do things.

[13:57] That's just an example. But the point is, is that sometimes parents can find themselves in situations where they have an idea of how they want certain things done.

[14:08] And the people who are offering to help don't always listen to or respect those things. And so it can make it harder for parents to reach out and lean on those people,

[14:20] you know, if they. Because they do want their wishes around parenting to be respected.

[14:25] So it can get complicated. You know, every family is different, but the point is, it's not. Everybody has a village in the traditional sense, and that can also make things feel even more isolating.

[14:38] And unfortunately, isolation takes a toll. There can be an emotional toll. You know, over time, moms might start to experience more anxiety or depressive symptoms. There can be a loss of identity where moms might start to forget who they are.

[14:51] Beyond those roles,

[14:53] there can be a toll on relationships. You know, there can be resentment towards our partners when we feel like we're not getting enough support from them,

[15:01] or if they feel like they are not being seen or taken for granted.

[15:05] You know, it can be harder to stay patient at times. And so a lot of moms might start to notice more irritability towards their kids or spouse.

[15:16] They might start to feel more disconnected at home.

[15:19] You know, there are just so many ways that moms can be negatively affected by isolation.

[15:24] Not to mention,

[15:25] it just feels lonely.

[15:28] And all of this is to say, if any of this sounds familiar, if any of this resonates,

[15:35] it is not just you.

[15:38] Even if you don't really hear people talk about it,

[15:41] or even if their social media paints a different picture,

[15:44] it is really not just you.

[15:48] So, again,

[15:49] the whole point of this podcast is to support working moms who are struggling.

[15:54] There are going to be times, you know, where I'm going to bring in guests who have professional expertise in different areas that can offer information,

[16:02] tools, resources to help you. But more importantly,

[16:06] I want this to be a space where you can come hear other stories that might sound similar to your own,

[16:12] to help you to feel and to really know that you are not alone.

[16:18] I just. I really want to build a sense of community here.

[16:22] So if you know of any other stressed out moms at any point in their career journeys who might be struggling, please please let them know about this podcast so they can hopefully come and feel supported too.

[16:35] You can also visit my website, www.christigmyrcoaching.com or join my free Facebook group Thrive as a Career Minded Mom. If you are interested in learning about other ways that I can help support you too.

[16:46] All the things that I've done, all the things that I've been working on,

[16:49] all of those things can be at my website.

[16:51] I just final thing that I want to say today is I am here for you. I'm always here for you.

[16:58] You can reach out to me.

[17:00] You are not alone.